I am compelled to share with you a list of things that make me miserable. The one thing that they all have in common is their ability to make me upchuck. Here they are in no particular order.
1. Having blood drawn. The feeling of the needle coming out, slowly. I can't watch.
2. When they use those rubber bands to get your veins to come out when they are taking blood, and tie it too tight...and your arm gets really numb and then they start poking at your vein. Over and over and over again. Thumping it. And you can feel it, kinda sorta...but not really, because of the numb thing. That makes me want to puke.
3. The words 'Spinal Tap'. The idea of a needle withdrawing SPINAL FLUID out of your back...just makes me weak. Like vertigo weak. Not like I know what vertigo feels like.
4. An epidural. This doesn't sound fun.
5. When the gynecologist SWABS your cervix during a pap smear. The feeling that something is being scraped, but you can't see it...but you can feel it...something about not being able to make the eye sensation connection...its like you imagine the cervix just suspended in the cavity of your being...and its being SWABBED for christ sakes! What in the hell!
6. When the gynecologist fondles your ovaries to check for cysts. No thanks.
7. Cleaning out or poking a finger in my belly button. It might as well be the center of the universe in there, because when it is messed with, one could seriously bring me to my knees.
8. Pulling on my toes. Finance does this sometimes when I'm not paying attention and it really pisses me off. The feeling of your joints in your fingers and toes being separated, omg. It like pops. Eww. Gross.
9. When someone strokes (pets) my back, leg, arm...anywhere really, over and over and over again, in the same place. Makes me want to puke.
10. My collar bone region. I don't like for it to be touched either. Makes me weak.
11. The squiggly in the egg. If I see that fucker anywhere near my cooked eggs...game over.
12. Jameson whiskey. I had a shot the day of my fathers funeral, and once when I was working at the bar last year. Both times it came back up immediately after swallowing. But I swallowed the regirge because I didn't want to look like a pansy.
13. Sometimes sex. Believe it or not. Sometimes the sensation of sex feels similar to that whole finger in the belly button thing. Something about numbness. Not a fan. When I used to get stoned...the minute my body parts would start to tingle, I'd wig out. Totally wig. Like put me in the loony bin wig.
14. The Gravitron at the county fair.
15. A really bad fart, will make me dry heave in a instant. Like there have been a few times Finance has hot boxed me in bed and I'll just about puke. And he thinks it's hysterical. (omg. I am such a lamo. I meant to say DUTCH OVEN'ED...right? Hot box is sharing your lefover pot smoke...right? I ALWAYS SCREW THESE THINGS UP). I don't know how I will ever clean up my kids vomit, or diarrhea because I have such a weak stomach. The worst, is when Zoe eats Wysong. Sometimes she gets into Barty's (Vern and Mr. Bucks dog) food. That shit gives her the worst gas...it makes me angry if I smell a Wysong fart. It's just not right.
16. Having my blood pressure checked. I HATE THAT thing. I hate how I become acutely aware of my heart beating when they do that. One time I did one of the ones they have in the grocery store, and once I realized that it had me like in a VICE GRIP and it wasn't gonna let go until it was good and ready...I got into a mild panic that it wasn't gonna release my arm and I'd just die of arm constriction. Like a snake! I about passed out.
17. When they do a strep test and stick that long ass stick with the q-tip on it down your throat? I burp out loud right in the nurses face EVERY TIME. It's pretty offensive as a matter of fact. You ever do that? Like, burp gag?
18. Having a catheter put in your piehole. I mean...your peehole. HOLY SHIT. Had I known they were going to stick a tube up in those parts when I went in to the ER with PREMENSTRUAL CRAMPS, I'd have taken a Midol and kept my 'piehole' shut.
What makes you barfy?
Recent Comments