Well we all know that Shit Happens, and happened quite aggressively to me a few days ago when I got abducted by body snatching aliens. But did you know that PISS HAPPENS too?
Sure it does. Let me explain.
I never walk my dog. I am a horrible horrible dog mother. If Ceasar Milan ever came to my home, and saw how cracked out my dog Marley is, he would spank me. Finance threatens to call Ceasar Milan on me all the time. Anyway. I never walk my dog because he is 70lbs of brute strength that practically nuts himself out of sheer excitement to be outside. He becomes so overwhelmed by stimulus that he combusts and morphs into this erratic cracked out freak. Darting left and right, he sprays piss all over the place, he shits excessively and in the middle of the sidewalk while walking....he's just a mess. I can't take him anywhere.
Now I know the solution to this problem is the problem itself. 'The walk' is such a miserable experience for me, I don't do it. I know, I know....I don't want to hear it.
So. The other day I decided to go for a run. Well, clearly I can't take Marley for a run, so I took Zoe. The good dog. Finance's dog. Big surprise. She was perfect. We got to the park in the neighborhood and there was a little concert going on. Zoe and I took a seat and within 5 mins a dog approached her and she turned into Cujo. She does that. Zoe is not the social butterfly. And I don't entirely trust her. I thought to myself 'Maybe I will go home and get Marley and bring him here. He is so good with kids and plays well with other dogs...'.
So I ran home and dropped Zoe off and picked up Marley. I was a bit anxious, but excited, I had felt badly that he couldn't come in the first place, and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get him out. I changed sweaty clothes and grabbed a cider from the fridge. It was late afternoon and I figured me and my bud could just go 'chill in the park', listen to some good tunes and hang. I put on a cute little tank top, some jeans, and my new Keen sandals (they are heaven). I looked cute. Dammit.
Out the door, beer (if you can call it that) in one hand, Marley in the other threatening to drag me down the street. I fought with him all the way to the park, naturally....and we got to a place where I could sit down on this step and relax. Listen to the music. Good times. Eh?
Yes, good times, until suddenly I am feeling incredible WARMTH against my back. Yes...warmth, and wet. And I turn around and my dog is pissing on me. And entirely too much time had elapsed for me to realize what was going on before my entire back is covered in dog piss. My beer got sprayed...everything. Piss running down around my butt where I was sitting. People are staring at me in complete shock. I can only imagine how many people had sat there and watched me being peed on before I finally caught on. Brilliant.
Game over. Well. That was fun. I cried all the way home to Finance on the cell phone about how much 'I hate him!!!'.
This is why I need Ceasar Milan.
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