My friend and coworker was at a bar one night and had a run in with a very unpleasant drunk woman. I don't remember much of the details, with the exception of a one liner I will never forget. Apparently the drunk woman scored a bar napkin and waved it in front of my friend's face and said 'Here's a tissue for your issues!'. Hilarious. Hence, the title for today's post.
I am postponing the 'Pick a topic for Stella to discuss Natty Dread Purse Giveaway' until tomorrow, as some things have come to me late this afternoon.
What's your issue? I know you have many. We all do. But I would bet money that all the issues, all the baggage and history, hurt and pain...insecurities, fears, and doubts we feel in our adult relationships stem from one of two places. Abandonment and Control. I read about this over and over again. In magazines, during conversations with friends, in books...and in my therapists office. For me, it all goes back to abandonment. For Finance, it all goes back to Control. And for Stephanie Klein in her article published in this months issue of Jane magazine it sounds very similar.
We tend to downplay, and even mock sometimes the 'mom card' or the 'dad card'. Especially as they relate to unlocking the doors to all the closed off places in our hearts, and learning the ways in which we can work those things out in order to be more present, more compassionate, more understanding and patient in those relationships when 'loving' is a challenge. When our proverbial buttons are pushed and suddenly our wires get crossed, old memories and unpleasant outcomes start to play in our minds and make it difficult for us to treat newer, similar but not SAME, situations - fairly.
I think the reality is that the majority of us didn't grow up with a 'GREAT!' mom, and/or dad. We are generations of divorce, infidelity, abuse and neglect. Both physically and emotionally. The Family, and all the years and years we spent with those people (mom, dad, brother, sister...) whether we liked it or not, are ingrained in our emotional sensors. Unlike the adult relationships we get to choose, you don't get to choose mom and dad. And mom and dad, until a child grows up and leaves the house, is all you know. They are all you understand about emotions, consideration, respect, authority, what constitutes 'good' or 'bad' behavior, responsibility, generosity, ethics, race, LOVE, trust, and the list goes on and on and on.
As you become an adult you gain more perspective, and your environment changes. You do the best you can. You discover that living your life alone, independent is great! Driving is always more pleasant when someone isn't telling you how to do from the backseat. Isn't it? And then you fall in love. You discover that while tooting your own horn is nice, the greatness in loving, and being loved is worth some negotiating away from your comfort zone. Along with love in your life comes a choice. The 'make or break' ing, point of a relationship is defined by how willing you are to expose and understand those emotional buttons, and how they manifest as a detriment to your ability to love one another. For years I kept walking. Walking, walking, walking...either someone will accept me as I am and/or he will be perfection, or I will be just fine by myself.
But perfection doesn't exist. I realized one day, sitting across from a man I hardly knew, that the only perfection I would ever find would be the one that I would have to CREATE with someone equally up to the challenge. And what I have found is that, it wasn't until I met someone so awesome that I wanted to give the world to, that I realized I could no longer skate along with my windows closed and my curtains drawn, and my flawless ideas about right and wrong...good and bad....acceptable and unacceptable. For me, it took wanting to give more love than I had to give for me to realize I had so much work ahead of me. So back to the issues.
Abandonment and control. They both trigger fear and anxiety. And fear and anxiety are at the root of the majority of conflicts. They make us mad, upset, cause us to shut down, or explode...close shop, and head into the woods. They make us want to bail. They make us want to walk away, give up, be ugly to one another, say things we don't mean, mis-interpret events, lie, mislead, and generally hurt the people we love.
So mine is Abandonment. And that is what I work on in therapy. I fear everything good in my life will lead to something bad. I fear people who love me will hurt, cheat, betray, or leave me. I fear that if I am not prepared for the bad things, it will suck, really bad. Fear controls me. And as long as I allow fear to control me, I am cheating myself of the joy and goodness that is THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW.
So the moral of todays blog post is, DO YOUR HOMEWORK. You can't answer the questions if you haven't read the book.
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