I am walking out of my grocery store last night and a black man probably in his early 40's, Mr. Huxtable- esque passes by me and says 'Sophisticated AND SEXY!'. I smile to acknowledge the flattery. I am wearing jeans (the 15 dollar ones from Ross, thank you very much), a long sleeved black sweater from the gap, my black nine west pumps, and the new vibrantly colored shawl I had purchased in Meh-hee-co. There was nothing about my work attire that was soliciting anything of a sexual nature. I felt the man, with his words, was trying to convey that very point....that I looked sexy, without my titties hanging out. That was a compliment, and I took it as such.
After the man passed I noticed out of the corner of my eye another black man (I live in Atlanta, where white is the minority), leaning against his car. Considerably younger, he was dressed in oversized clothing and had his baseball cap tilted to the side. He had clearly witnessed the exchange Mr. Huxtable and I shared...and decided he would add his own two cents. It went a little something like this:
Dude: 'Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn (like Smokey to Mrs. Parker, from Friday), you be lookin fiiiiiiiine. Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmm (as though he is licking chicken grease off his fingers), man, what I would DO TO YOU if I took you home....'
Now. When the Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam part came out, I nodded to acknowledge he was speaking to me and smiled, as I continued to walk towards my car. When the rest of the commentary starting flowing from his mouth, I suddenly thought of Jayne, and one of her posts. And then I thought about V, and one of her posts. And while at the time of their posts, I had not anything recent happen to me that I could draw from to interject, I was thinking...I have something here. I want to say. In fact...if I had had Jayne in my cell, I would have called her in an explosive rage to have this out.
Now. Because I did not have Jayne's number in my cell, I called Vern. She is used to these kind of random phone calls about 'but why can't I take the homeless man home with me?' and 'why should I feel that way walking into the liquor store alone at 11pm in a shady part of town?, and all sorts of day to day observations about human nature and tendency, stereotypes and projections that baffle me.
Now before I go into my explosive rage about things I can't control that piss me off, I have to do a little bit of work (i know, i know..this 'work' thing is really infringing on my blog time). And then I will come back and speaketh.
Im back. Here we go. Deep breath tortugita (the other name they called me in meh-hee-co).
There is a reason for stereotypes. And I believe it is my responsibility to challenge those stereotypes by giving everyone equal treatment. Our body language send messages. Our non verbal communication speaks volumes. And often times I see people misrepresenting themselves out of fear. A woman clutching on to her purse in a subway. Is sending a message to someone. But I worry how often those messages get mixed up along the way. It is very difficult, I feel, as a woman...as a white woman in a black male dominated environment. I have felt this often. I feel so much pressure to reject in my NONVERBAL body language the 'scared white woman' stereotype. Yet so many times, when I have done that, I get Mr. Chicken Lips barking at me in the parking lot. It's the completely UNSOLICITED remarks that burn my ass so bad. So there I am, hearing this man/child tell me what he would do to me if he could take me home...and what do I do? I SMILE. I smile, and walk fast to my car. And he is probably thinking to himself 'stupid white bitch, running off to her car'. And he wins. My silence, and he wins. And I ask myself...'is this a MAN thing, or a BLACK man thing?', because MOST OFTEN THAN NOT, it happens to be a black man. But then I ask myself 'would I have responded differently if that HAD been a white man?', and I think...probably not. So where are my balls? SO MANY TIMES....I have gotten this sort of attention and ignored it. Brushed it off with a smile and gone on my way...and I am angered with myself, because I am FEEDING THE STEREOTYPE. I am saying, with my nonverbal communication 'It is okay for you to speak to me this way'. And it's not okay. So again, where are my balls? Am I a scared white woman? Am I just a scared woman, intimidated by unsolicited male attention. I think it is more of the later...however, it doesn't HELP that these things so often occur with black men. Why aren't we all fighting the stereotypes? Or is it just assholes will be assholes?
If I am involved in a conversation and someone says something clearly racist or sexist, I don't giggle. I don't nod, I don't smile. I make very clear verbally or not, that I do not support or agree with the comments/statements made. I do not consider myself to be passive...to be misleading, or misrepresentative. But why is it that I feel so threatened to speak my mind in these male agressive scenarios? What was going thru my mind at the time, was 'Who the FUCK are you to speak to me that way?'. or...'Newsflash, you're a prick!'. BUT SMILE???? I gave that man some level of satisfaction, and that pisses me off. Because it WASNT cute. It wasn't flattering, and it was completely innapropriate.
Where is the line? It seems SO HARD, sometimes, to do the right thing. I wish I had driven back there and run him and his chicken lickin boca grande over. Fucking bastard.
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