I saw the movie Sliding Doors when it came out, and loved it. The movie explores a woman's life divided as events in her life change course on the basis of a missed train. It was brilliant. Because we have all wondered at some time or another the mystery of 'WHAT IF...?'. And what is fascinating is that there is no way of knowing how different our lives would be if we could 'go back' and do things differently. So what guides us? What is it that compels us to act and behave in certain ways, under various circumstances. I believe that for the most part we are selfish creatures. We tend to act upon our desires, and if there is anyone harmed in the wake of our actions we quickly find ways to justify them. But what is it really about? I have often wondered what it is (like some big secret!) that I can teach my children that will enable them to make positive choices. Like what is the difference between the dude in high school who smoked the same joint I did at that party....and then 5 years later winds up in a coma from a drug overdose? Was I just lucky that when the coke came around I passed, and he didn't? I guess it would be impossible to make the best choices all the time, and I believe that people need to experience the lows to reach the highs.
I am a realist in the sense, that it is important to me to constantly challenge myself to explore and gain knowledge and awareness about issues that either confuse me, or make me uncomfortable. Especially when the issue seems to divide people. I believe that the harder I work to understand myself and the people in my life...the more I can give. I was just discussing this with Meredith (therapist) today. I was explaining that I feel such determination to push myself towards finding that completely open space in my mind and in my heart...the space that people who meditate find daily...where all negativity, anxiety, fear, suspicion, doubt, and anger are removed so that TRUE clarity can be found. So that I can love and be loved more deeply. Until then I feel I am cheating us (Finance and I) from all our potential. Not to say that daily life, and loss, and anger, and hurt don't exist and can't be managed...but that the dark energy, the stuff we carry over from one relationship to the next, from childhood to teenagers, to young adults trying to discover what its all about with people who are just as confused...can be left there. Resolved. It's just not so easy to do.
I think about that day...that will come. Because it is as likely as I will get stung by a bee again, that one day I will be unhappy. I will feel like shit about myself for some reason or another, and I won't feel like I am getting what I need from my partner. And as I hear it happens, right around that time, I WILL BEGIN TO NOTICE others noticing me for the first time. And I will pay attention to their stares, their smiles. I will think their smiles feel good. Their attention feels good. I will be sick of the same fight over and over again, and it will feel like I can't get through to my partner. He will be as spent as I, and all the while 3 children will be begging for attention I don't want to give. So how does it begin? Where does it end? And how many little choices get you closer to a moment of greater consequence than you would have ever bargained for? We gravitate towards what makes us feel good. It is by nature that the path of least resistance is often the more desirable. How many times in your life have you wanted something so badly, that everything else in the world you have worked so hard for meant NOTHING to you in that moment. That your desire, your need for fulfillment/satisfaction was worth inflicting hurt on someone you love. I buy things often that I can't afford. I do it because it makes me feel good. How do you get to that moment...that moment where you want something so bad and its RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, it's begging for you. And you walk away? If you got yourself to that point....why?
This is the part that I think is most important. Exploring the 'why'. I can't FATHOM hurting the one I love with infidelity. But I can't say it won't ever happen. (So i hear...and unfortunately I can't argue this one...unless of course I was clairvoyant). But part of me hates that. Hates that we can't own our choices, until we have walked in the shoes that might take us to dark indulgent places. Because, don't we have the power? Power of self-control? No one controls me. I have to live with my choices, and in choosing to share my life with someone, I now have someone else to consider. It can't be all about me anymore. Vern said something about getting to a point where you are content. And content, as in...you don't NEED FOR MORE. And that is reality. Accepting what you have. I thought it was so perfect. Obviously we weren't talking about the kind of content one might be that their husband ONLY beats them twice a month instead of every day. Content as in, not needing to have everything the way you want it, all the time. That the bad and the good come together...at different times in our lives...and we just have to ride it out. Or not. And then you just live a life looking for a perfection that doesn't exist. Eh?
Hmmm.........
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