Finding Zen

8wks Post Partum

Almost 8wks.  Here we are.

 

 

Bonus shot - this kid is the bomb.

6 Week Update

I just want to say how much I appreciate all your stories and kind words of encouragement these past few challenging weeks.    Thank you.  Since getting pregnant, and even more so since having Oban - I notice there are several new readers.  And some of you who have been following for some time, but have only just recently commented.  If you are a reader and have a blog - please email me at findingzen@rocketmail.com or leave a link in the comments, so I can add you to my list and swing by to say 'hi' when I have the time.

Oban is now 6wks old.  Here we have the good, the bad, and the ugly:

The Good:

I am happy to report, there is GOOD - and figure I should tell you about it amidst all this talk of nipple carnage and flinging parasitic newborns.  I don't want to get so engrossed in the daily challenges and general fatigue that I forget to appreciate the awesomeness that is watching this child grow and engage in his new world. 

He is smiling now several times a day.  They are sweet yummy little grins that make your heart melt.  His head still smells better than a snickerdoodle.  His armpits and the folds in his neck?  Not so much.  I give him massages daily and can't get enough of all the peach fuzz covering his little arms.  He especially enjoys a good foot rub.  He is starting to enjoy being in the water and I love to watch the comfort of the warmth sink in and settle his face.  Night time is getting better - and most nights he goes down on his Boppy pillow in our bed - without much of a fight.  He'll sleep one long stretch of maybe 4hrs and then in 2 and 3 hr increments.  No more 2hr long scream fests.  There is a God.  During the day when he's not feeding or sleeping he is very content and engaging.  I savor these moments - they are better than homemade banana pudding, and thats saying a lot.

The Bad:

He is very gassy and I hate it for him.  It makes some of our feeding sessions extremely frustrating.  He writhes and wiggles and attempts gator rolls on my lap all the while stretching my nipple into a spaghetti noodle.  I have tried Mylicon and Gripe Water and they don't seem to help much.  And no - I'm not cutting out dairy or caffeine...or onions, chocolate, wheat, nuts, etc etc.  I see no correlation to anything in my diet and his gas pains and am of the opinion that his little digestive system just needs to mature.  And it has gotten better with time.  He no longer projectile vomits and doesn't spit up as often as he did in the first month. 

The Ugly:

I am still struggling with the anger feelings.  I have held and touched and had moments of trying to quiet him where the energy was BAD BAD BAD.  And I hate it, and I know its wrong, and I feel immense guilt.  It's always at night or in the early morning hours when he refuses to sleep and I am SO TIRED, and I just don't want to deal.  Every day I work at this - coaching myself into a calmer state - turning him over to Zack when I feel I cannot manage to soothe him without anger.  I have never hurt him nor do I worry that I might one day, but the bit of intensity that does come across to him when I get to end of my rope is completely unnecessary.   I don't know how single mothers do it.  I wonder if Ceasar Milan could help?   

I am desparate for breastfeeding to get better.  We are no longer having to use the bionic nipples, however - there is a gaping hole in my nipple that won't go away.  In addition both nips are so tender and sore, and they burn/sting to have anything touch them (I suspect thrush...but we'll see - Oban has no signs of it.  And yes - I've tried and am using the ever famous APNO! ;-).  I want to cry when I have to pick him up and have him on my chest.  There is milk EVERYWHERE in my attempt to expose them to air as much as possible.  I leak constantly.  There are milk droplets all over this house.  I sleep in milk.  I wake up in milk.   There is no end to the amount of laundry this produces...but thats really beside the point. 

I want to be able to look at my husband and not dread the thought of ever being intimate with him because OMFG(Becky) - my boobs have been hammered with the spiky end of a meat tenderizer, dowsed in alcohol, salted, and hung out to dry in the Arctic.  I want to sleep on my side or stomach without pain, pick up and feed my son without pain, and hug my husband - without pain.  I want to be able to workout without having to wear pads that make my boobs sweat, which makes my nips wet - which makes for a miserable stingy/painful workout.  I see how people choose to bottle feed.  It totally kicks  your ass if it doesn't come easy.

So there you have it.  I love this baby - he is so incredibly delicious I can't imagine anything more perfect.  But it is hard, tiring, trying work.  I can only hope to keep some perspective about this journey so that I don't miss anything I'll regret having not paid attention to in the future.  Because each day is a blessing - and I am eternally grateful for his life, in ours.

My Sweet Punkinhead Turdlette

 
 

This is how he sleeps most of the time.  He starts out like this...

and then ends like this:

 

You'd never suspect something so sweet could SUCK A PLUG out of your nipple.  Oh but it did...

 

Etsy Scores

I love Etsy.  I don't know why I bother going anywhere else to find cool stuff...

First up is a killer bag made of recycled wool and leather by Forestbound.  I'm in love with all of this designers bags.  It is as beautiful as it is here photographed (and her pictures are awesome).  I will be using this as my diaper bag.  Please spare me why you think that's a bad idea.  I'd rather be in denial and look good.

 

I was looking for a nursing cover (wouldn't want anyone to catch a glimpse of my bionic nipple) and came across these made by Pao Pao Baby.  Similar to the Bebe au Laits - but a bit more my style.  Made of unbleached cotton and with really cute felted details.  I love it!

  

Both of which just so happen to coordinate quite nicely with my 'birth gift' (spoiled rotten...i know!) from Vern.  My Hobo Lauren Vintage wallet.  Stylie.

 

How to Survive Your Newborn (without hurting it) - The Missing Chapter

All these books out there, that tell you how to get your baby on a sleep schedule are GREAT and all - but where is the book that tells you how to survive while your figuring that schedule out?  I can't find the part in the manuals about how its okay and completely normal and natural to fight the urge on a daily basis not to fling your little swaddled parasite across the room (parasite: an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.  I'm not trying to be ugly.  It is what it is.) 

I love my baby - but mainly just during the day.  Honestly?  Hate it (it becomes an 'it'), during the night.  The night is my hell - the time when the fact that I have not slept for more than an hour straight in the last month becomes intolerable.  It is the time where my patience has completely left the building and Oban is at his neediest.  How convenient for us.  Every night is a different game, and almost every night he wins.  I sit in the dark in my king-sized bed and I cry with him.  Usually after I have not-so-gently tossed him onto his Boppy pillow while thinking to myself 'cry-it-out mofo'.  It's either that or I feel the magnetic pull of shaken baby syndrome - and considering my brother just informed me that my 6 year old nephew recently made a donation at his school to the Shaken Baby Syndrome Fund - I really can't go there.  But I get it.  I sooooooooo get it.

So people don't discuss this and I feel like it needs to be discussed.   I'd like to see whole books (sitcoms, magazines, OPRAH!) dedicated to all the darkside thoughts a parent has for their newborn child.  A sort of 'Post Secret' just for parents.  Because when I casually mention the urge to leave him by the curb - people kind of chuckle nervously - and dude, seriously - I am FOR REAL.  And not for real in a way that I'm sending out a call for help - fortunately I have a husband who can intercept before I get to the shaken baby bit - but for real in a way that I need that darkness validated because it is a really SHITTY ASS FEELING.  And when you are a first time mom, there are enough shitty ass feelings to sift through, the last thing you need is to feel homicidal.

So please, lets start here.  I'm all about the healing.  Tell me about the time you almost lost your shit.  Or hell, tell me about the time you DID lose your shit.  Tell me you've squeezed too hard - or tossed, or shaken, or 'set down' a bit more aggressively than perhaps was necessary only to have your miserable parasite suddenly stop screaming and look at you like 'Dude.  What is YOUR PROBLEM?'.  Tell me you've used four-letter-words.  Tell me you let him/her cry-it-out so that he/she could LIVE to be miserable tomorrow.  (despite that every book has cautioned that allowing your 4wk old to do so will turn them into needy anxious human beings requiring years of therapy).

The anger and frustration of soothing a baby who has already been fed/changed/ and you are on your third round of getting it to sleep in your arms only to set it down and it go APESHIT 2 minutes later is no joke.  It makes you feel helpless and hopeless, and dread all the days ahead of you - all with the depressing awareness that YOU WANTED THIS.  This family business. You actually spent LOTS OF MONEY and you swallowed 50+ pills a day of nasty ass chinese herbs for 5 months for this.  Hell, you had a UNMEDICATED BIRTH - BY CHOICE!!  The craziness!!  So there you are.  Desperate to find that book.  The Happiest Mommy on the Block book.  The How to Swaddle Your Wife book. 

Cuz you know what?  I've had 3, (3!) cups of very caffeinated coffee this morning and I've got my eyes set on a full bag of Dove Dark Chocolate with Almonds for lunch - and I don't give a shit.  Tonight I will have a glass of white wine around 9pm while he is sleeping the only uninterrupted stretch of sleep he seems interested in these days - and I will go back into the cave of hell and emerge again all the same.  Only maybe tomorrow I'll get to read about everyone elses Cave o' Hell and feel a little more hopeful that I will survive this.  And so will he.